Two Equal Humans, One Therapeutic Space

Therapy is, fundamentally, a human service, person-to-person. There is a natural assumption, therefore, that both parties should be of equal value and importance, worthy of mutual respect. But that is far from the truth on both sides.

Are You Worth Less than your Clients?

Most professional training in psychotherapy gives us the unspoken message that you, as the clinician, matter less than the Client. We feel responsible to always be the giver with the Client as the receiver, and we often push ourselves too far to fulfil this role. Many clinicians have too many Clients, accommodate their needs by sacrificing their own, see them at times that are inconvenient, etc. Most clinicians go the extra mile and beyond; and usually this is because we feel responsible, as if the Client’s growth matters more than our own.

Are Your Clients Worth Less than You?

It is ironic, then, that our Clients, who invariably struggle with low self-worth, meet us first with the belief that they are less worthy than us as clinicians. This makes Clients feel unsafe and trust in the clinician doesn’t come easily. It can take months for a Client to really feel seen and understood because of their perceived differential in worth. Many of them have no experience of humane visibility and unconditional respect, so how could they possibly see a professional whose job is to help them as an equal?

Two Equal Human Beings

If psychotherapy is not an extended interaction between two equal human beings, what sort of service is it? How could inequality in any direction be part of psychological growth for either side?

Naturally, the focus of the work is human transformation, and a focus on change can breed inequality as either clinical responsibility or disrespect for the here and now. But in good psychotherapy change is born from a desire for freedom and self-chosen growth, not from a place of disrespect for what currently is. Client growth is not the clinician’s responsibility because that involves many variables. Client growth is our aim and we do our very best toward that aim, but it is not a lens through which either side should be viewed as less than the other. Indeed, human transformation becomes very unlikely in that context.

Transformation in psychotherapy requires the clinician to maintain a working context based on the principle that both of us matter equally, not as a therapeutic tactic, but as a foundation.

Commanding Your Own Space is Uncomfortable

Giving yourself permission to command your own space in the room with your Clients can be deeply uncomfortable. Pushing back against unworkable demands just feels wrong, as if we are letting the Client down or not giving them what they need.

But intimate human contact often involves saying “no”. Saying “no” is honest, open, confident. Being clear about your own limits simply says ‘I have a right to own this amount of space and I respect myself by protecting it.’

Imagine as a young female clinician, a male Client raises his voice or disregards your expertise, making you feel disrespected. In those moments, the pressure to prioritize the Client can be stifling. But that is not an acceptable request for help, that is a place of fear based on a world where inequality has dominated, whether that fear is intentional or not. The best response for the clinician would be: “I notice that you have raised your voice. Would you mind pulling that back. As a younger woman in the company of an older man raising his voice, I naturally can feel afraid. I know you are not trying to frighten me, but I feel afraid and that is not what either of us came here for. Please ask me for what you want in a different way and let’s see what I can give you.”

The Therapeutic Alliance is not a Trading Space

PBBT recognizes that the therapeutic alliance is a vehicle to achieve agreed aims. It is not a bargaining tool for how much the clinician should give of themselves to others. The alliance should not be preserved at all costs, where the respect for the clinician or the Client is the cost.

In PBBT, we use techniques like Receptive Experiences to gather important physical information about our own ongoing experience as clinicians in-session. And when those experiences tell us that we are afraid, being taken advantage of, or being mistreated in some way, we listen to those signals. Our bodily experiences guide us on the space we feel comfortable and safe in, they show us the space within which we can move freely. These aren’t just psychological limits, they are interpersonal permissions which we give or don’t give. They are your permissions and you hold the right to them. As a result, there will be places you won’t be taken, questions you won’t answer, feedback you won’t accept - not because you don’t care, but because you do care, about you. If a Client challenges the edges of that space, such as asking: “Did this ever happen to you?”, you might respond with: “Thank-you for asking. I’m not at all trying to hide anything, but I don’t believe that looking at my experiences is the right place for us to work right now.” You may indeed choose to talk about those very experiences at a different time, but if you feel for personal or professional reasons that now is not the time, then you have the right to say, without question.

Modeling what Matters

Commanding the space you need with your Clients is about getting what you deserve and are entitled to. It’s about showing Clients what it means to live as someone who respects themselves and has the confidence to command this from others.

Of course, this is, in itself, a powerful intervention for all Clients, but especially for those whose lives are dominated by adapting, submission or people-pleasing. When clinicians take up their own space, therapy becomes more honest, more sustainable, and more powerful. Clients learn that equality is not theoretical, it is something to be practised, in real time, in real relationships. And you, as a clinician, model not just what it means to support someone else, but what it means to live as someone who believes: I matter too.

Want to learn more?

Join us for an informational webinar on the Professional Diploma in Process-Based Behaviour Therapy (PBBT).

Date: 11th August 2025
Time: 16:00 (Irish Time)

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