The Mousehole Metaphor

We love this metaphor! It has been used for so many PBBT Clients. Although the context for its use can vary, it is particularly good when used to refer to something in particular. Let us explain.

There are many occasions where we feel like just telling a Client explicitly that they deserve more than the relationship they are in. This can be an intimate partner or a familial relationship, such as with a sibling or parent. We don’t wish to demean their partner, but we want to emphasize that the fit is not serving the Client and that what the relationship gives them is less than what they deserve. On balance, we never know what goes on inside relationships or to what extent our Clients are difficult or culpable; and we all know well that existing loyalties can be strong (for good and bad reasons). But above all, we know that our Client could do better. The Mousehole Metaphor is well designed to handle these tensions without antagonizing existing loyalties.

“Could we think about your relationship with [your partner] as the two of you living together in a little mousehole under the stairs. It’s a very cute little mousehole. You’ve worked really hard to make it warm and cosy. You’ve done your best to make it a home for you and [your partner]. You’re both comfortable there. It’s familiar. Sometimes when there is tension between you, you really feel how tight that mousehole is and you can feel so small and trapped. But other times, when [your partner] is sweet or kind or when you feel close, you start cleaning the mousehole again, you tell yourself it’s a nice clean mousehole and that it will, and should, be big enough for you. Now imagine it’s a good day with [your partner] and your cleaning the windows of the mousehole. Everything in the mousehole is shiny and clean and you really feel that you’re doing your best to help make the relationship work. This is the best it gets. You’re managing it. And still deep down, it’s only a mousehole. And only a mouse can fit in a mousehole. So, no matter how lovely and shiny it all is, you have to be a mouse to live there.”

• The cute aspect of the mousehole, with its cleanliness and shininess is designed to be appealing and not at all threatening (to existing loyalties or current behavior).
• The effort given by the Client as the mouse is commendable and doesn’t feel foolish.  Who doesn’t want a clean house? Most of us have been there, trying hard to make something work against everything our bodies tell us.
• The main focus is on the mousehole but then it shifts to the Client as the mouse; the shift is soft and subtle. The focus on the mousehole doesn’t make the Client feel targeted; this only comes later.
• The lack of focus on the partner ironically works well and is key to how loyalties aren’t antagonized.
• The metaphor is not saying that you shouldn’t try even when you don’t really believe it is working. The metaphor isn’t saying you shouldn’t be a mouse. The metaphor is just saying that mouseholes are only for mice; and by definition you can only have the life of a mouse as long as you stay there.